Remember when you were young; you shone like the sun. Now there’s a look in your eye like black holes in the sky. CANCER!
In April 2012 the clinical nurse handed me the DS 1500 form so my benefits could be doled out immediately. My bulging eyeballs focused on the words TERMINAL ILLNESS before glancing back at the nurse. I whispered, “This means I’m gonna die.”
She held my quivering hand and compassionately responded, ” I am so sorry but your tumour is very large and very advanced.” I gazed in uncomfortably numb shock at the cream wall as the silence drowned the screams.
Just a few months back I was sporting a deep golden tan, employed in the tropics as a Film Maker and right here right now I am as white as a ghost, on benefits with one foot in the grave.
I had inoperable Stage 4 neck cancer. Three courses of mind bending chemotherapy to poison the tumour; after each of the first 2 courses I was admitted to an isolation ward for a week with my very own Zimmer frame.
The oncologist informed me that no further chemo was possible. At least my final hours wouldn’t be in chemical La-la land before ending up as a stiff in a fridge in the morgue. Always look on the bright side of life.
The prognosis was 12 months to live. However, I could burn the tumour by going on the harrowing chemo radiotherapy trip that only had a 1 in 5 shout of working. More chance of Leicester City winning the premier league I laughed. Seems like death is the only thing I’ve got left to live for!
Two weeks of brain damaging ‘should I stay or should I go’ deliberation before the madcap finally laughed and opted for 6 weeks of treatment at Preston Royal Inferno! At the end of ordeal I was a death warmed up burnt and blistered bag of bones sprawled on my sick sofa eight miles high on morphine pouring sickly yucky liquid into my peg tube to keep me alive to the fact that I was dying.
My mum died to join my dad on the other side. Next my wife bent her mouth to my ear with her face twisted in anger and rage and screamed, “Ghostface hurry up and die.” She abandoned me and the kids aged 14 and 4. I was alone taking care of 2 young children while fighting for my life. You may be the loneliest person in the world but you’ll never be as lonely as me.
It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black. With the help of a few close friends, the staff at the ENT department and The Swallows support group I fought. I cut out all processed food and became a raw vegan drinking a rainbow of fruit and vegetable juices as well aa forcing my broken body to exercise.
Now it is August 2016. Just to prove that sunshine always follows thunder I am fit and healthy and have a tasty new female on my arm; my kids love her too. If someone would have told me a few years back that I would be grinning like a Cheshire cat one day in the future I would have replied, “Not a moggy in hell’s chance.”
Extract from Syd’s book, to read more click on the links.
Warning, these extracts will make you cry, be angry, laugh and may upset you! But is written in Syd’s unique style.
- Chapter 13; SECRET AGENT MAN
(November 2012 to April 2013)
I was a lonely man all alone with no one to call my own as I drove my imaginary friends to the hospital for another hour of fun and games; on this playful occasion, hide and seek. Will we locate where Mr Big C is hiding this time? Fingers crossed that he has thrown a childish tantrum and decided to piss off and leave me alone so I can R.I.P. before I am dead and buried.
- Chapter 14; WHERE IS MY MIND?
(May, June, July 2013)
Mayday was not rejoiced frolicking around the phallic maypole at some pagan fertility festival. As an alternative, an unfruitful day was endured feeling sterile and sorrowful slumped on my one and only sick sofa. The moments that made up a dull day tick-tocked away as I replayed the last year over and over in my troubled tree. The long vertigo inducing helter skelter slide from the very top to the very bottom played havoc in my twisted mind. I’m so dizzy my head is spinning. Like a whirlpool it never ends. Am I walking on the ceiling or am I broken on the floor? Another day with another fear and I’m just spinning around, yes I’m just spinning around.
Shine on you crazy diamond! Do yourself a massive favour and order the book. It may save your life!
Contact Syd direct: www.thedeathandlifeofpsychosyd.com